Sex Ed and Santa - The Dichotomy Facing Our Tweens

Do you remember how old you were when you learned about puberty? The birds and the bees? Was your innocence shattered by a parent, a friend, a sibling, or "The Movie" brought to you by our friends at Kotex? I have an older sister so I was in the know earlier than the norm. Much of the information I was told came from her, served with a large helping of disbelief and a side of shock and horror. None of it made sense to my mind that was too young to absorb the facts of life. Too embarrassed to ask my own mother, I went to the next best resource in 4th grade - The World Book Encyclopedia! Contained in its volumes were the words - menstruation and sexual intercourse - I learned from my sister. Paul Rosenkranz and I giggled at the back of Mrs. Vaughey's classroom as we filled our brains with facts that were too bizarre to comprehend. Our only escape from our discomfort was laughter.

Well, here I am many years later, facing this topic with my own 10 year old daughter. The clock is ticking with 7 days until she views "The Movie" with her fifth grade classmates. Last week, I had the parental obligation of previewing this film at her school. It was corny and full of 80's hair and fashion styles, but the information was well presented and factual. The teacher recommended that we brief our kids on the movie beforehand, so there would be no surprises at school (and probably less snickering).  I knew today was the day - my husband was at the gym and my son was at a friend's house. We were alone and there were no "boy" ears to overhear this delicate conversation that was about to take place. So like any good mother, I scooped up spoonfuls of chocolate chip cookie dough and sat down with my daughter to burst her bubble of innocence. She quietly and tearfully listened as I described the pubertal changes that we all must endure. I introduced her to some new terms that will never appear on her vocabulary list for English class. I am fairly confident that I rocked her secure, little world. Overall, I feel it went well and that she actually heard what I was saying. In the past, we have had related discussions, mostly about personal hygiene, friends, and privacy, that laid the groundwork of today's topic.  I know this is just the beginning of a new chapter in her childhood, and there are many more conversations ahead of us, likely with more detail. Until that time comes, I will enjoy this tween phase with my daughter who still believes in Santa, plays with American Girl dolls, and sleeps with her baby blankets.  So as I tucked my baby girl in bed tonight, I realized that this new knowledge does not mean the end of her innocence, just a new awareness of the people and world around her, and that is a good thing.

For years, I have counseled parents about sexuality in children. Teaching a child about sexuality begins at birth through the trust and intimacy they have with their parents. A parent unknowingly models sexuality by having gender-specific roles, clothing they wear, and how they show affection. Toddlers are curious about their bodies. Preschoolers ask "Where do babies come from?", and school-aged children pick up sexual messages from TV and their peers. By nine years of age, most children know something about puberty or may be entering into it themselves. Parents are supposed to guide their children through each stage of this budding sexuality. Teaching sexuality to children is as important as teaching them about a healthy diet. It does not culminate with one conversation when puberty is knocking at the door. Teaching about the physical characteristics of sexuality is such a small part compared to teaching and modeling the emotional aspects of sexuality - family values, respect for others, and having a strong sense of self-worth.  I have found two resources to be invaluable for this topic - "Becoming an Askable Parent" by the American Social Health Association and The American Girl book, "The Care and Keeping of You".  Find them and read them before you think you need to - chances are if you are thinking about it, your child already has been for a long time. As always, your health care provider can also be a great resource. Keep your mind and your ears open and the answers will come your way.

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